How To Handle The Negativity Of Others
Have you ever had someone complain about the same thing over and over again so much that you could actually predict what they were going to say? Often, it may seem as though they just want to complain and are not interested in finding a solution. It has been my experience that complainers do want to resolve their complaint; they just feel "stuck in the pothole of complaining" and don't know how to get out. So here's a simple 3-Step technique that should help to significantly alleviate other people's complaints.
When people complain to us, we usually assume that the complainer wants our help and our suggestions. We think we know what they really want; unfortunately, this is usually not the case. Sometimes the complaint isn't even the real issue. For example, someone who complains about traffic may really want flexible work hours; someone who complains about their bills may really want a raise. The bottom line is this: We really don't know what people want when they complain. We usually fail as mind readers, and the real problem may go unresolved.
Try the 3-Step Process to Help Resolve Complaining:
1. Listen and acknowledge their emotions. When someone complains, they want to make sure that they are heard. I have found that one of the reasons why complaining continues is that the person does not feel like he/she is being heard. When someone complains we must ensure that they understand we are listening to them. One of the best ways to do this is to reflect the emotion that you are hearing. In other words, acknowledge their emotions by saying something like, "I understand you are upset/stressed/annoyed." You should avoid saying something like, "I understand you are upset BUT…". The "but" makes someone feel invalidated and is the same as saying, "Don't get upset" or "Don't worry." You may have good intentions but when we tell someone to "not feel" a certain way it is the ultimate invalidation. It usually has the opposite effect and will make them become more emotional. The more we acknowledge the other person's emotions, the more likely they will feel like they have been heard, and the emotions will be diffused and will dissipate.
2. Facilitate the complainer to come up with their own solution. Change the conversation from one that's problem-oriented to one that's solution-oriented. Do this by asking them questions like "What do you think we should do about it?" or "What would you like done" or "How can we resolve this?" Some of the best therapists, counselors and psychologists ask facilitating-oriented questions because they know that a person is closest to their own issue. If we can discover the solution, we will be more likely to implement it. By asking and finding out what people really want, we can quickly eliminate the complaining and move to a resolution that works. Sometimes people will respond and say they don't know or are unsure of a resolution. When people say that, it is usually code language for "I am afraid to ask you." It is important to be patient. This helps to set the tone and will condition the other person to realize that you are committed to helping them.
3. Be honest and work out an agreeable action plan. If you are not able to give them what they want, say so and then follow up with, "What else would you suggest?" By doing this, you let them know that you can't always give them what they want, but you will be honest and will keep the options open to discussing other solutions. If they ask you for your ideas, feel free to tell them. The difference now is that they are asking for help rather than us offering unsolicited help. Work together to come up with a solution that is agreeable for both of you.
Here is a typical example: One of my participants used this process to eliminate a complaining situation that had gone on for many months. Apparently one of her employees was always complaining about not having enough resources to do his job effectively. She assumed that the real issue was his use of the resources. So, she focused all of her energy on suggesting ways for him to use the existing resources more effectively. However, he continued to complain. This not only wore thin for her, but soon began to irritate the entire team. Everyone was being brought down by the situation.
She used this 3-Step process and produced some great results. She met with him privately and recounted his complaints from the previous months and said, "I am sorry that I have obviously not helped to take care of what has been bothering you. I understand you have been stressed and upset. What do you think we can do about the situation?" The employee stopped the complaining, calmed down and after a moment said, "As embarrassing as this is, I just wanted you to acknowledge me for the work that I have been able to produce with the limited resources that are available. I know we are understaffed. I have been working late and I just want to be acknowledged for the extra time and energy I have been putting in. And, of course, I hope that when things change I will be considered for a promotion." The lack of resources wasn't the real issue as much as the feeling of not being appreciated for the work done was the issue. The manager ended up apologizing and said how much she did appreciate him. They then had a conversation about the next step for him in the company.
This 3-Step Process will not resolve all the complaining and negativity that we encounter on a daily basis, but it should significantly help. The key to is to listen and acknowledge emotions; resist responding with immediate advice; facilitate the complainer to come up with solutions; and, finally, be honest and work out an agreeable action plan.
Please call my office with your success stories as well as any questions or challenges you may be encountering. We want to help!
To receive a comprehensive description of The Fish Isn't Sick...The Water's Dirty, Inspiring Excellence, Podium Prowess, or to inquire about other seminars, services, or products, please call our office at (703) 243-7994 or 1 877-6HONEST, or click the link below.
