Resolve Any Conflict By Lending An Ear
Many people would agree that increased diversity in the workplace is a positive move forward in our culture. However, challenges contained in that diversity are conflicts that can result from combining people from various ethnic backgrounds, different age groups, and even the change in the men/women ratio. Even work styles vary. So how can we move toward creating "world peace" as opposed to participating in "guerilla warfare"?
As you read this article on how to resolve conflicts you may face in your life, take into consideration the uniqueness of the person you're dealing with. You'll see that although each situation may be different, there will also be many similarities in the way we resolve them.
As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "It is a luxury to be understood." How often, as we’re going through life, do we allow an unresolved conflict with someone continue?
Many times this is because someone wasn't listening and what resulted was a breakdown in communication. Here are some suggestions on how to fix it.
One of the key ways we can influence people's opinions is by using persuasion skills instead of coercion. It’s been said, "a person changed against his will, is of the same opinion still." If we wait for others to change because we told them to, they probably won't.
Here are some ideas on how you can resolve conflicts by using exceptional listening skills. You’ll also learn the art of leveraging. Words are the most powerful tools we have, and it's those words can create magic or pain.
Remember that one of the best ways to defuse a conflict is to address it openly. Put the problem on the table where everyone can see it. This will start the process. The differences that caused the difficulty can only go away when we ask and listen without judgement.
The best questions you can ask are broad and open ended. The challenge, however, is asking in a non-defensive manner or tone of voice. Sound easy? Now go do it. It takes practice. When you start to question people broadly, you'll start getting general answers. These lead to the next step, which is asking the right specific questions. Get other people to talk about what they want, and what they believe is the conflict.
Ask for their advice, even though your ego most likely won’t want it. Remember to be proactive when solving any conflict, and take the first step by asking for advice. It’s also a subtle way of getting other people to tell you more of what they want. Also, it’s a sign of respect.
Listening should not be passive. You need to listen in a fashion that they know that you're taking in and digesting what they’re saying. After you've listened to what they want, repeat it back to them, using your own words to clarify your understanding. Therefore, the emotional gap between you and other people will narrow instead of widen. For example, say, "Let me be sure that I understand what you said. You feel that the biggest problem was that the meeting didn't go well. Am I correct?" By playing back what they say, you're letting them know that they have been heard.
Here's an exercise to prove my point. This week, make a note every time you catch yourself when you're not really listening to someone. On the other hand, write down how many times people are not really listening to you. It happens to all of us everyday.
Here are some guidelines to become a better listener:
1. Clear your mind of distractions. Focus on other people’s words and meanings behind them. Also listen with your eyes and watch the signals you get from their body language. What people don’t say in words can speak volumes, especially when dealing with a conflict.
2. Body language is not the only non-verbal signal. We need to key into voice inflections and tone. Sometimes when people think they’re asking us a question or making a comment, they’re really making an implied demand. Even if this angers you, keep cool, and do your part to resolve the conflict.
3. Wait until others have finished before you speak. This is difficult because usually we can't wait to speak, especially since we think we're right and our ego has taken over, saying, "defend your territory!" Here's the million dollar tip: hold your tongue (it will be painful), listen, and be open- minded.
4. Keep your eyes on whoever is speaking to you. When we look directly at people, we show that we value their opinions and what they have to say is being heard. How often have you gotten angrier because people looked away as you were speaking?
6. Empathize. Look at the message through other people’s eyes. Put yourself in their shoes, and then you might react differently. Look at your ideas from their perspective. Think of why your ideas might be challenging for other people. See them as they see themselves. This helps us align our thoughts with their views, and this is what empathy is all about.
In order to build bridges with other people and create harmony, we have to ask the right questions, listen to what they say, and then finally relate to their wants and needs. You can use this technique to lessen conflict between you and other people.
Starting today, look at each conflict in your life as an opportunity to use the tactics presented here. It will be an investment to help you grow professionally and personally.
Listen, and Inspire Everyone to Hear You
One great way to resolve conflicts is think of the acronym "L.I.S.T.E.N":
L - Look. Watch the other person’s body language, and maintain eye contact
I - Involve. Stay active in the dialogue, and make sure that every exchange is clear for both parties.
S - Steady. Avoiding being nervous, and keep control of your emotions.
T – Translate the meaning of people’s remarks. Put yourself in their shoes.
E - Excursions. Avoid mental excursions, stayed tuned to what the other person is saying.
N - Needs. That's what it's all about. Give people what they need and watch the conflict melt away.
5 Keys to Help Sweeten a Sour Relationship
Whatever the conflict with someone is, keep these tips in mind to reach a resolution:
1. Reframe what the other person said to you. Play back the message. However, this time use words that convey a more positive idea. Maybe the person was criticizing your style of doing business. At the heart of the message, was there constructive criticism that you translated into critical criticism?
2. Edit your comments. Phrase your response so that you put "water" on the fire instead of "gasoline." This takes practice because our egos get in the way, and our first thought is that we want to strike back.
3. Ask open-ended questions. By using the open-ended approach, you’ll find out exactly what the person wants or needs, and you'll gather more information. For example, ask, "What do you think lead up to this disagreement?" instead of, "Are you going to do what I said, or not?"
4. Listen. God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason. Research shows that often we listen with only 13% efficiency. Just listen and do so without interrupting, even though you're dying to.
5. Disarm. Help the other person see the situation as a mutual challenge -- and that you're in it together. Work your hardest to stay in control, even though the other person wants to put up a fight. Just staying calm (this is not easy to do) can be a persuasion tactic. We're taking a tense situation, and using this tactic to come to an agreement.
Andrea Nierenberg provides customized programs for sales training, customer service, and presentation skills. She is also the author of Nonstop Networking: How to Improve Your life, Luck, and Career. She can be reached at andrean@self marketing.com or at 212-980-0930.
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