Communication Secret
A lot of times people ask me about people in their professional lives who simply do not want to reveal themselves and talk.
Major-account sales people who can't get their prospects to sit down and open up, development directors whose donors are somewhat "shy," and managers who can't enroll their people in the mission because they never know what their people are really thinking.
"What if I'm already a good listener," they will say. "But then I have someone in my life who doesn't want to talk. He just doesn't want to tell me how he's feeling or what he wants, or what it is he's willing to be a partner to."
The way to understand people like that is to appreciate their fear. People spend their whole lives trying to hide their fear from us, but the fear still rules. Especially with someone who won't open up. The only way I know to create a relationship in which the other person is more self-revealing, is to increase my own revelations.
I need to make it safe for the other person to talk, so I want to keep looking for things I can reveal about my own fears and failings, then the other person will start laughing and say, "Well, I'm not that bad."
Managers and leaders and top salespeople and fundraisers all miss the power of humility. Humility has huge power. It relaxes people and creates trust.
If someone isn't talking to you, you simply become aware that you haven't made it safe enough yet. You're probably coming across as a superior authority, or someone who is trying to be "right" about something. (Anytime your mind is traveling along the road of "right and wrong" you are alienating people everywhere you go.)
Because being "right" is chilling when it comes to relationships. It feels like a form of cruelty. A relationship is enhanced not by a person's being "right" but rather by a person's being warm and understanding. People respond to wisdom, not hardcore intelligence.
That's part of the real fun of creating relationships. Figuring out what you can do to open people up and make them feel warm. Finding the right embarrassing story in your own past just might be the trick that sets them free to talk.
Here's a strong recommendation: don't be afraid to lose face, or be ridiculous. Let the other person totally outshine you. Look and feel stupid compared to the other person, and do it with gusto. Get them laughing so hard that they don't see you as a threatening object, and start seeing you as a fellow human.
Stop trying to prove yourself. (Most managers are always trying to prove themselves worthy of being the boss by a) showing how smart they are, b) showing how much they work, c) hiding secret information, and d) intimidating others so they'll always feel a little off balance.)
Don't come to everyone with an agenda. Leave your agenda outside in the rain. Come in from the rain. Have the whole conversation be safe and warm like a fire in the fireplace when the rains fall.
Keep practicing that, and you'll do a lot of business.
