Listen for the Real Message
The following is an excerpt from our book Just Be Honest, Authentic Communication Strategies That Get Results and Last a Lifetime. www.StevenGaffney.com
I know I am a little biased, but the most terrific woman I know is my mother. She has helped me by giving advice that has empowered me to avoid many problems. Unfortunately, as embarrassing as this is to admit, I missed out on many years of my mom's wonderful advice. Why? Because I was missing the real message.
My mother, by her own admission, can be extremely negative. If I say things are going wonderfully, she might say, "but are you prepared for the future?" I have run my own business for more than 12 years, and every year she reminds me that April 15 is tax day and to be prepared. There are many things that I may be in danger of forgetting, but that date is not likely to be one of them. If there is a possible negative outcome to any situation, Mom will be the one predicting it and advising me how to save my behind.
So, because my mom can be negative, for years I missed the real message behind her advice. I heard her negativity and devil's advocacy as a form of disrespect. I reasoned that if she really respected me, she would not be the voice of doom, constantly warning me about such things. I am an adult, after all, and I was offended that she had so little faith in my business acumen and my instinct for survival.
Then one day I took a seminar in which the leader said to remember to listen for the real message--that sometimes the true message lies behind the words. At that moment, the light bulb went on in my head. My mother was doing this because she cared! In other words, voicing her worries was a form of expressing her love for me, not a form of disrespect. Boy, did I feel stupid and embarrassed.
I vowed from that moment forward to hear the real message that my mom is trying to communicate. In other words, I hear my mom's worries and warnings as an expression of love and her way of continuing to take care of me, and I now realize how terrific and wise she is and always has been.
Is there someone in your life whose real message you may be missing?
Whether it is a client, coworker or someone in your personal life, it is amazing how easy it can be to miss the real message. Remember you cannot change people, but you can change the way you choose to hear them.
When someone complains, do we hear just the complaints or do we take the time to recognize the message behind the complaints? Perhaps he or she is very dedicated to the job and wants to excel but feels frustrated by a lack of resources. So, the person complains rather than asking for what he or she wants. While this is not a very effective method of communicating, it can be much less distressing for the listeners if he/she remembers to look for the real message behind the complaining. Remember: the opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference.
Complaining clients who are hard to work with can become our best, most loyal clients if we turn them around. If they truly did not want to make things work for us or if they really had given up, they probably would remain silent and just try to end the relationship. We can use these opportunities to train ourselves to really listen to the other party.
There are a lot of people saying important things, but if we are not careful to listen for the real message, we will miss it.
"Steven Gaffney is an professional speaker and author in the area of communication, motivation and leadership. He can be reached at (703) 243-7994 or 1-877-6Honest or e-mail Steven directly at Steven@StevenGaffney.com."
Copyright 2004 by Steven Gaffney and the Steven Gaffney Company.
