The 5 Step Relationship Check-Up
Is someone in your life not listening to you? Does this cause friction and difficulty? Are the two of you struggling to get along? I had a seminar participant who complained that his teenage daughter wasn't listening to him. I asked him a simple question: "If your daughter was in the next room and I asked her if she thought her dad listened to her, what would she say?" He grinned and candidly admitted that she probably would say he didn't listen to her either. I then asked him: "How likely is it that your daughter will listen to you if she feels that you don't listen to her?" After careful consideration, he agreed it was unlikely. People want to be heard, and since you can only control your own actions, you must listen first.
If someone isn't listening to you, you can begin to significantly improve the situation by using the Five-Step Relationship Checkup Process. Just as you go to a doctor for periodic checkups, you should perform a checkup on your relationships to reveal hidden problems and find appropriate solutions to those problems. This process is especially helpful if you feel someone isn't listening to you, or you're not getting helpful feedback, or the person is unwilling to open their mind to hear what you are saying.
The Five-Step Relationship Checkup Process™
1. Be direct and ask, "Do you think I listen to you -- really listen to you?"
The point is to ask a very direct, clear question.
2. Admit the truth if you don't listen.
If you take an honest look at yourself, you would probably admit that you are not always really listening to the other person. Once you realize this, you might be afraid to admit it. Don't worry. They already know. Can't you tell when someone isn't listening to you? By proactively admitting the truth, the person will notice that your conversations are more honest and upfront than they have been in the past. Also, being truthful will encourage the other person to be truthful with you.
3. Ask, "What can I do (or we do) to improve things from this point forward?"
This question puts the focus on exploring solutions rather than finding out who is to blame. A participant in one of my seminars took her ten-year-old daughter through this process. When the mother asked what could she do to improve things, her daughter replied, "It would be great if you could look me in the eyes, rather than cooking dinner, when you are asking me how school is going." Remember, when you ask for feedback, some people may have a hard time admitting things to you. It's particularly difficult if you already have challenges with them, so do your best to create a safe environment for them. Do not debate them when they start to give you feedback. Instead, just be a sponge and try to soak it all in. This will allow the person to fully express what they are thinking. In my experience, initial feedback comments are really just tests to gauge your potential reaction. The real feedback will follow once they feel safe that you won't react negatively.
4. Make commitments.
Unilaterally commit to some action on your part to improve the relationship. This will often inspire the other person to take action too. Even if they don't, you can still move things forward by making a commitment and being proactive. For example, you might tell the other person that, from now on, you will admit when it is a bad time to talk instead of pretending to listen. Or tell them you won't try to watch TV or read the paper while you are listening. If it's a person at work, you might tell them that you won't read e-mail or conduct other business while they are talking.
5. Follow-up.
Plan a time to check in to verify that the committed action items were accomplished to everyone's satisfaction. This will give the relationship some positive forward momentum and likely inspire further action. Following up may require you to go back to step one and repeat the entire process. No matter what, don't wait to follow up. It is better to do this sooner rather than later -- even if it doesn't feel like the most opportune time. Difficult relationships are usually the result of repeated communication problems that are ignored or are not immediately resolved. The difficulty didn't develop overnight and the repair won't either. However, repeated efforts at using this process can turn night into day.
Relationships that have had a lot of issues may need to run through the Five-Step Relationship Checkup Process several times. Until the people in our lives truly believe we hear them, it's unlikely they'll be willing to hear us. Better to do the checkup now than to have major problems down the road. By using these strategies, you can take steps toward developing the healthy, productive, and fulfilling relationships that you deserve.
Steven Gaffney, President of Steven Gaffney Company
www.stevengaffney.com
Copyright 2008. All Rights Reserved.
